Mastering the Mind: the key to true freedom

The hotel has an interesting bookshelf and my eye catches a book titled 'Plant Spirit Medicine'. Sounds like one for me, all about nature and selfhealing and so I pick up the book and take it with me to read in the lounge after dinner.

The book in general is less inspiring than I'd anticipated, but the idea that every plant and tree has a spirit that you can connect and communicate with, rather than the tree itself, brings me to ideas.

The next day I set out to a group of white berches that I felt attracted to earlier. After sitting there for a while, I invite the spirit of the white berch (thinking it more likely that this type of tree has its own spirit, rather than every single tree has one), to connect with me and to help me see the core issue of why I can't decide which way to go on the crossroad I'm on.

Within a second the answer pops up in me: it's an outdated program still running in my brains, named 'solitude'. Everytime I change course, this program triggers and reacts with the warning 'flee and find solitude' with such power that I long for solitude and can't do anything but find ways to be alone. It's immediately followed up with the awareness that this is a program my ancestors lived out too, a line going back many centuries.

These insights give a release of tension in my body, I feel it's true. Here it is at last: the answer to an 8-year long quest: why do I so long to live in Britain and feel more at home there than anywhere else? And if it's really my dream and heart's desire to be there, why do I fail to create the opportunity time and again, while a wonderful opportunity in Holland showed up with ease and flow?

Solitude is not a wrong thing, it's perfectly fine to be happy on your own. 

Few people who can say they feel totally comfortable when on their own out on the moors in the finest British weather and such, right? I'm fine with solitude if it is wired into my system. 

Living out ancestory patterns though, is not an option. Making choices based on 'it's in my blood and DNA' is repeating the past and staying stuck in the life I'm living. 

In that regard, solitude is not what makes me feel good, it's what I know so well that it's a comfort. And since it's wired in so deeply, it's hard to discern this isn't who I actually am or want to be.

It's time to break the line and transmute 'solitude' for me, the long line of previous generations and for those to come. Because what we change within ourselves, we change in the collective human consciousness. 

Making the subconscious conscious, is the core of changing behaviour. By seeing what's going on, we can use our awareness to consciously make a new choice. 

Seeing how my desire to be in Britain is not completely mine, dissolves the always present longing right away. It's a strange feeling, I simply know it has gone, on the eve before I board the ferry. As this pattern has now dissolved, my full body system is re-adjusting and I'm a bit out, whilst observing the process that's going on in my body and mind.
I say 'yes' to the opportunity in Holland right there and then, knowing that this is the choice I want to make.

The first week in Britain is strange. I love these lands, yet I experience them differently now. The mountains used to have this strange effect on me, that always made me want to walk further, always longing to go into the lands deeper. I now simply enjoy it without a need for more, for a magic one can never find. The same has happened to driving, visiting villages, castles, towns, woodlands, rivers, anything really. It makes me feel sad because I also lost that deep joy being in Britain used to bring me.

Resistance is showing up big time. Giving up my dream to live in Britain, have my own plot of land with a cabin? After all this time? For what? Who do I think I am? I won't repeat the nasty things I told myself about myself ;- ) At the same time doubt arises. Did I give up my freedom? I sold my house for freedom. All possible and impossible disadvantages of my choice make themselves known.

I stay aware, observing the mind's way of convincing me, feeling energies pulling and pushing me in directions I no longer want to go. Deep inside I know I chose freedom, yet what's truly freedom for me doesn't come in the form I wanted and expected it to. I keep on navigating the flows, doing all I can not to drown and fall back in old patterns. My body is tired out and painfully tensed. For two days I don't even manage to go out. Thankfully I got a lovely house with incredible views which makes it easier to stay home instead of exploring the Yorkshire Dales.

Then, finally, ever so slowly, my body starts to relax. I'm through. I've made a deep core change, probably the deepest I've ever made. I am free. Solutide is now something I can choose, I no longer have the need to live it out.

If you look within, can you see what patterns you live out that may not be entirely yours?

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